I cannot begin to count the number of people who have approached me in the last year and told me, “You look amazing!” “You are inspiring!” “Tell me your secret!” “What are you doing?” “Help me!” The short answer is very small, simple, steps of hard work. I can do hard things, and when hard things are broken down into really small pieces they are much easier to accomplish. It didn’t always feel good, but the results are AMAZING!!!
The work started in my mind. It started when I decided to change the stories I was telling myself because the stories were often not true. I started paying attention to the mind chatter, and the things I would say to myself silently or out loud. What I was hearing was all of the excuses, and a lot of abuse! “I can’t do that.” “That’s too hard.” “I’m not good enough.” “No one cares about me.” “I’m ugly.” “I’m fat.” “It’s in my genetics.” “You’re an idiot.” “You’re so stupid.” I’m pretty sure you know exactly what I’m talking about. I really started to pay attention because for once I felt I owed it to myself to be nice to ME. Once I started paying attention to the dialogue I was having with myself, I began to realize that I was the source of all of my failed, abusive relationships. I was the source of my abusive relationship with food and alcohol. I was the source of a lot of the trauma inflicted upon me in my life because I was simply abusive to myself. When you’re abusive to yourself you allow others to abuse you!
Changing the dialogue I was having with myself truly was the pivotal first step in my transformation. I started standing in front of a mirror, every morning, looking myself directly in the eyes, and telling myself, “I am enough!” When I would say it I would make sure I believed it, and if I didn’t feel I believed it I would say it over and over and over and over again. At first, I found it really hard to look myself in the eyes in the mirror. The person I saw was broken, sad, depressed, anxious, angry, and ugly. It took a lot to simply be able to look myself in the eyes. I started to grow some compassion for myself because no one deserves to be sad forever. Eventually looking myself in the eyes became easier and I didn’t have to stand there as long before beginning my affirmation. Sometimes I would stand there with tears streaming down my face and my heart wanting to explode through my throat because I REALLY wanted to believe “I am enough,” but I didn’t! Then, one day I did it! I looked myself in the eyes, said my affirmation, and I believed myself the first time I said it! I AM ENOUGH! It felt AMAZING!
When I really started believing my affirmations and treating myself with kindness, I began to notice people treating me differently, and it felt good! So, I continued, added to the positive affirmations, and I truly began believing myself more every day. “I love myself!” “I am worth it!” “I deserve better!” “I am strong!” “I am powerful!” It’s pretty easy to believe those things about me now, knowing how far I have come, and it feels AMAZING!!!
Eventually, I started telling myself, “I am beautiful inside and out.” Every day I would look myself in the eye and tell myself, “I am beautiful inside and out,” and one day I started to believe myself. I decided I wanted to look as beautiful on the outside as I felt inside. So, I started paying attention to the way I was treating and feeding my body.
I knew if I wanted to change the way my body looked two things needed to happen. We’ve all heard it all our lives:
1. Exercise
2. Diet
Exercise has never come easy to me. I’ve never really been motivated to exercise. I don’t really like feeling out of breath or like I’m exerting a bunch of energy, but I know the importance. My most desired form of exercise is yoga. It’s a good practice for the body, hot power yoga is my jam, but I especially love the way it forces me to unify the movements in my body with my breath. It creates a sense of balance between my brain, body, and soul and is something I will forever practice. I had a strong desire to be more involved in the yoga community near my home, but I never felt a sense of community when entering the studio. I’m a certified yoga instructor, so I don’t really need a studio or a class. It was truly about having people around me, doing the same thing, and supporting each other. Traveling two hours round trip to my favorite studio wasn’t working in my schedule, so I started opening my mind to the possibility signing up for a gym membership. The universe has a funny way of working because, coincidentally, a good friend of mine mentioned a new membership challenge her gym was offering to kick of the 2020 New Year. She texted me the details, and I scheduled an appointment to check out the gym and their programs.
The gym is small, which I like. As people entered and exited I could truly feel the sense of community, which was very desirable. They offered daily classes, taught by a coach, class times were very reasonable, and I knew I could fit a one hour workout into my schedule at least three days a week. I signed up that day and committed to attending one class a week, just one! My ultimate goal was three, but I was starting with one! Baby steps!
Everything was going great! I was working out every week and even managed to increase my workouts to two or three days a week, when my schedule allowed. When I didn’t make it to the gym at all one week I didn’t judge or abuse myself with my words or thoughts. I simply evaluated everything else that was happening in my life and offered myself some grace and compassion. Next week I was going to do better! The next week I made sure to show up, on Monday! Many days I felt like complete garbage, wanted to go straight home from work, hit happy hour with my friends, but instead, I started to make going the gym a priority in my life. Once I got there, there was no way I was leaving until the workout was complete. No one would let me just stand there and watch what was happening around me. People and the coaches were motivating, positive, encouraging, and so supportive! I was noticing progress and felt like my clothes were fitting looser. Then, COVID hit! The gym closed. Everything closed! The entire world shut down!
Being a complete introvert I thought what was happening in the world a dream come true, despite the magnitude of tragic loss. I was loving being locked inside, at home, working from home, and having my groceries delivered to my doorstep. I took a shower to change from one pair of pajamas into a clean pair of pajamas, for months!
Eventually, the isolation began to take its toll on me, and I was really missing adult interaction. The gym was offering Zoom classes, they were offering to let members rent equipment from the gym to take home, and I found I had absolutely zero excuse not to continue my initial goal of working out one day a week. So, I started attending Zoom workouts in the afternoons. I found that I was able to attend the classes more regularly because I literally had nothing else to do. My daughter started working out with me, which was awesome and fun! Toward the end of the summer I ended up being the only person in the Zoom classes, (probably because it was way too hot and I’m the only weirdo who loves a sweaty outdoor workout in 90 degree heat) so it turned into a personal training session five days a week. When the gym reopened I was committed to attending classes, again, three days a week, and it became a habit. Soon, working out five or six days a week became my lifestyle. I have fallen in love with many other forms of exercise, too. Re-learning to use the different muscles, in my body, efficiently has inspired me to try and retry new sports and adventure. Hiking, kayaking, skiing, mountain biking, different forms of yoga and meditation, and functional fitness competitions are all activities I have fallen in love with.
30-60 minutes of exercise is now a part of my daily routine, and was a pivotal player in my transformation. However, the toll it was taking on my body was becoming debilitating, and I kept injuring myself. I had to start listening to my body and the dialogue I was having with myself to figure out what I needed to change. I started to pay more attention to the things I was using to fuel my body because I was irritable, a lot. I kept getting sick, many trips to the emergency room with what presented as “food poisoning,” and the doctors and specialists could not figure out what was wrong with me. My symptoms were vast – nausea, vomiting, headache, blurry vision, brain fog, ringing ears, sinus congestion, heart palpitations, stomach cramping pain, painful difficult to pass gas, diarrhea/constipation, night sweats, joint stiffness, joint pain (feet, hands, knees, back, hips). On my third or fourth trip to the ER one of the doctors ordered a CT scan, which displayed possible colitis, so I saw a gastroenterologist. The gastroenterologist performed and endoscopy and colonoscopy, and the only diagnoses I received were acid reflux (GERD) and irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). Both of which I had been diagnosed with in the past, but nothing compared to the symptoms I was currently experiencing. I was frustrated and confused, and six emergency room visits in a two month period forced the need for me to think outside the box.
Another good friend of mine suggested I see an Integrative Health Specialist, and I thought she had three heads with her suggestion. I asked her what an Integrative Health Specialist does because I really wasn’t interested in paying hundreds of dollars to see someone who was going to recommend I rub some essential oils on my feet. I promise oils were not going to fix my issues. She recommended I check out a practice near where I live, which I did, and also scheduled an appointment. My first appointment was scheduled for two hours, and it ran over! She wanted to know my medical history all the way back to birth. Then she asked about the medical history of my children, since their births. We talked about the medical history of my sibling, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. In the end it was pretty clear to the doctor, based on my medical history and my kids medical history, that I was likely facing some food allergies or sensitivities. She offered to perform a blood test to identify the specific food, preservatives, and dyes my body may be reacting to. She also ran a complete blood work up, ordered tests to see liver function, kidney function, thyroid function and hormone levels, gallbladder function, ultrasounds of my abdomen and pelvis, Lyme disease, stool samples, rheumatoid arthritis, and autoimmune disease markers. All of my blood tests and imaging results were displaying signs of an autoimmune diseases, rheumatoid arthritis, vitamin deficiencies, structural deformities, etc., but nothing was conclusive.
The food allergy and sensitivity test came back with severe reactions to whey and casein, which are the two proteins found in cow and goat milk, wheat and wheat gluten, and grapes. The results were a smack in the face! My initial thoughts were: No more beer? WTF no wine, either??? Most hard liquors contain wheat, barley, or rye, so those are out, too! Tequila??? I can still have tequila, but what’s the point? If I truly love myself and want my body to feel good, then why risk a hangover? We were still enduring the lockdown from COVID, the kids were being virtually schooled from home, I’m a single mom, working from home, and making a generous attempt to “support small businesses.” We were ordering takeout often, and I was drinking way too much. I had to make a change if I wanted to feel better in my body, and the change needed to happen fast and drastically. I was really sick and scared that something very serious was slowly killing me. I was suffering. My body was severely malnourished and “dis-eased.” I made the decision the day my doctor called with the results to fully commit to eliminating everything I’m allergic or sensitive to from my diet. After three days I noticed I was already starting to feel much better, but I still wasn’t feeling my best. Everything I read and everyone I talked to said the detox your body goes through when eliminating dairy and gluten from your diet would make you feel worse for a couple weeks, and that insight certainly didn’t disappoint. Two weeks later I also cut alcohol out of my life, altogether, and I do not miss it! I love the feeling of a really good night of sober sleep and the clarity of a sober mind.
I believe food allergies are something I have suffered from my entire life. As an infant I screamed in pain for hours a day, and the only explanation the doctor could give my innocent, scared, and emotionally exhausted parents was, “Colic.” Science has come a long way since then, thank God! In elementary school I began to make a connection between drinking milk in the morning and having an awful stomach ache for the rest of the school day. This continued into adulthood, but I just assumed I was lactose intolerant because cheese didn’t bother me the same way milk did. The food allergy diagnosis was very eye opening, and I was extremely motivated and obsessive about avoiding the foods I’m allergic. I was starting to feeling great! After four months of not consuming any of the food I’m allergic to, I had dinner with a friend at a restaurant, and my food was cross-contaminated. I knew about 30 minutes into the meal when my ears started ringing, head began to hurt, my vision went blurry, my sinuses became extremely congested, and I began to have heart palpitations. About an hour later I could feel my stomach churning, and then the full body “food poisoning” rejection began. 15 hours later was my ninth trip to the emergency room, in one year, and was the day I decided I would never eat in a restaurant, again. I saw an allergist the following week who confirmed I had an anaphylactic reaction, wrote a prescription for an Epinephrine Injection Pen, and sent me away with a recommendation to never consume dairy, wheat, or grapes, again.
After the discovery of my allergies evolved, I began to think about the past 40 years of abuse I’ve done to my body. It’s been reacting, screaming in pain, and no one has listened. My life depended on me changing the way I think about food! Food is not pleasurable or comforting, anymore. Food and water are the energy my body requires to keep me moving, breathing, and loving. Food is fuel! I’m worth it for my body not to hurt, so I choose not to eat the things that make it hurt. I choose to love my body, unapologetically. A big part of fueling the body is knowing what to fuel it with and how the body uses that fuel to energize you, so I used my resources at the gym and read a few books to help me figure it out.
I learned a lot about calories, specifically protein, carbohydrates, and fat, and how our bodies use those macronutrients to energize us. I learned that the quality of the calories we consume really matters, and I started to pay attention to everything I was putting into my body. I kept a log of everything I put into my mouth, and I mean everything. I was honest, there was no judgement, and I began to see that most of the calories I was consuming were empty. Calories completely free of any nourishment my body could use, so it was storing everything as fat! Once I started making adjustments to the quality of food I was consuming, began counting “macronutrients” instead of “calories,” the noticeable physical change began to happen. Everything in my life was changing and everything was changing in a positive direction. It felt good, and I am motivated to work even harder to generate even better results.
Every day is a blessing, and I feel so incredibly blessed to be able to share my story. It has become my passion to educate people on health and nutrition, and to help them develop healthy habits that last. I decided I wanted to begin reinventing my next chapter and began studying to become a certified Health and Life Coach. Please reach out, leave a comment, or send me a message to learn more about my 90-Day Body Transformation Program. I hope I have given you some insight, something to ponder, generated a question to ask, or inspired you in some way. I’ve been on a really beautiful journey. I am excited to see where I’m going, and I would love to help you discover where you can go! Thank you for reading and supporting me.
Love and light,
Patti
